Bad Monday

Whhh…..What? What do you mean? Nnnn-nno one? Not even a tutu? Danny in accounting told me Friday! He said it was a new company policy, like Casual Friday. I thought everyone knew… I mean, sure it sounded strange… But Danny showed me the memo! Right there in bold letters: “Ballerina Mondays are Now in Effect”. It was in the memo!!

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Dr. Susse

They say you are the best, and have helped all the rest -
The turtle named Yertle, The old cat with the hat.
I was fine with the hair, being blue I’d not care.
Oh but Doc, what a shock!
Could you please, with the greatest of ease,
Stop this grass, which grows outta my ass?

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Alfred Higgins Jr.

From the day he was born, Alfred Higgins Jr was the the spitting image of his father. Everything from his wild porcupine eyebrows and trumpet ears, to his razor sharp shoulders and baby bottom chin. Though by no means handsome, Alfred was curiously never unlucky in love. His secret? The famed Golden Top Hat of Yorkshire.

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Somethin Smells Good!

In a city full of car exhaust and open sewers, Harriet found Hank to be irresistable. Some lovely mix of pheromones, cologne and shampoo drew her to him like a mallrat to Cinnabons. While Hank felt likewise, he couldn’t for the life of him figure out how to manuever around her nose and finally steal a kiss.

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Ta Dah!

Walking down the runway, showing off Revlons latest long lasting Evershine nail polish, Francis was in his element. By now, he had tuned out the media frenzy over being the first genetically manipulated foot model, and he only knew two things: He loved being a model, and he loved his toes.

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Friends

It was a battle for the ages, a clash of lidless titans. Once closer then brothers, now they were as distant as the furthest star in the furthest galaxy. No one could remember how it started, nor could anyone see an end. All that was certain was this – the world was bearing witness to the single greatest staring contest it would ever know.

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My Pookie

George Williams loved his Pookie. He brought him everywhere he went. His Pookie went to the office with him and to the gym. His Pookie would get snuck into grocery stores and restaurants. When you met George Williams, you met his Pookie too.

One night at a party, George was just finishing his famous “Pookie made a Poopie” story in front of a large crowd. Just as he was getting to the most embarrassing part, Pookie bit him on the finger. George yelped and dropped poor Pookie to the floor. He turned around, looked up at George dead in the eyes and said “My name is Robert dammit! And stop talking about my poop!”

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A Guy with a Pipe

It was his favorite part of the weekend – sitting on his boat in the middle of Lake Wabash, a baited hook in the water and clear skies overhead. The only thing missing was his pipe – he spent hours searching for it this morning to no avail. As he reached  to his cooler for a snack, he was surprised to find his pipe laying in clear view! How could he have missed it? He placed it in his mouth, and as he was about to light it, a sharp tug from the pipe took him off guard, and dragged him overboard. As the hidden hook lodged in his mouth brought him under, he wondered “If we call it fishing, do they call it human-ing?”

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Mack

Mack stood at the bottom of the stairs, wearing his favorite coat and hat. Sure, he was looking a bit old-fashioned these days, but he was fine with that – why the need for change? Some of his favorite things haven’t changed in 40 years. Like the way he’s feeling right now – his fluttery stomach, and his fuzzy head. A warmth filling his entire body, equal parts joy and gratitude. Forty years of watching her come down those stairs to him, ready for their date night, knocking his socks clean off every time.

(Happy Valentines Day!)

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I Need this Like a Bug in My Ear

Francis woke up the morning of his big date unable to hear out of his right ear. He poked and prodded, he jumped and he shook, but the hearing didn’t come back. It had been a long time since he had a night on the town with someone, and he wasn’t going to let this stand in his way.

The date was going remarkably well. As they finished up dessert, Francis had a sharp, popping pain in his ear, and suddenly he could hear again! Things were certainly looking up… until his date ran out of the restaurant screaming. After realizing he had just given birth to a locust through his ear canal, he decided he couldn’t blame her.

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